Depression

I'm writing this from my mother and sister's living room in Kentucky.  It seems that I'm always in a different place when I write my entries these days, n'est-ce pas?  I decided the night before last, on Tuesday, that I wanted to surprise my family in Kentucky, as I'll (hopefully) be getting a job soon and I won't have any time off for a while and I'm only six hours away.  I haven't been closer than twelve hours for five years, so it's pretty awesome.  I left around 8am from home and arrived around 4pm EST, so about seven-ish hours of driving, which isn't bad at all for a driver of my caliber.  I surprised Mommy again.  Teehee.

But the main reason I've decided to write in my blog is to talk about something.  There's a "thing" going around in which people describe themselves in three fictional characters, or post three pictures of fictional characters who they feel represent them as a person.  Obviously I love stuff like this, so I really thought of it and decided on three characters: Nymphadora Tonks from Harry Potter, Phoebe Buffay from Friends, and Sadness from Inside Out.

I didn't struggle with the decision to include Sadness.  As soon as she came to me, it was a lightbulb moment.  I've related to her from the moment I saw Inside Out, a movie I adore and highly recommend.  However, maybe it surprised people that I chose a character who is the representation of depression to represent who I am.

I've dealt with depression for around thirteen years.  That's over half my life.  And I was only medicated for it for less than a year while I had access to Canada's universal healthcare.  When I say I deal with depression, I don't mean I have "sad spells."  It's been bad.  It's affected my life and my relationships.  But luckily I'm surrounded by people who love me and who understand and who don't let my depression change their feelings for me.

For a brief moment, I was embarrassed.  I've never denied that I had depression, but did I want to broadcast it by adding Sadness?  Then I thought: why not?  Why give in to the stigma that surrounds mental health?  By adding Sadness, I'm not "broadcasting" my depression, I'm showing how much she has helped me.  She helped me realize that it's okay to feel sad and depressed and it's okay if you can't change for other people and that you shouldn't have to, that people who truly matter love you for who you are and don't want to change.  She reminds me that I wasn't made differently than everybody else, that I'm not alone.

Depression sucks.  It really sucks.  Depression and anxiety both suck.  And they can be all over the place.  Maybe I'll wake up one day and get things done and feel like a great member of society.  For me, even going to the grocery store is an accomplishment, especially if I don't put it off until the last minute.  I'll go to bed with so many plans of what I'm going to do the next day, and when I wake up, I'll find that I just can't.  I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  And a mere mention of what is making me so depressed and anxious (re: job search) can only make it worse.  Depression about being jobless, anxiety about finding a job, and guilt about not having one yet are not good combos.  And it's not like those are the only reasons I feel depressed and anxious.  I can't bring myself to be the best friend I want to be, and that just adds to my anxiety, depression, and guilt for not being able to truly reach out to my best friends and say, "Hey!  I love you guys!  Let's talk!" because I don't want to bring them down, yet I know it won't, and yet ....

Depression, as my dear Lauren put it, is a constant battle.  And sometimes you win that battle and other days you don't.  But it's important never to quit fighting.  And to realize that people do love me, and care about me, and want me to succeed.  And that Theo doesn't resent me for not having a job yet, or Lauren and Kat aren't mad at me for not having been able to reach out to them.  They understand.  They get me.  They're there for me.  People relate.

None of this is easy.  It's hard.  It's so, so very hard.  There have been times when I have truly wanted to die, to cease to exist, and just disappear.  Depression isn't easy and it's not over.  But it's a war.  And I like to think I'm winning.