I hadn't really intended on writing an entry until later... at least not until I had some sort of news, but when do my intentions ever actually play out? The title, you ask? I'll get to that in a bit.
What's been going on in the almost-month that I've been a college graduate? Nothing, really? The highlight of the past month was Kathy and I driving seven or eight hours north to visit our dear Lauren in Wisconsin, where we spent Memorial Day weekend. The trip up was great and flawless - perfect weather, little traffic, no navigational errors, etc. On the way back, we went through at least two hours of torrential rain, bottleneck traffic outside of Des Moines, more rain, and one slight navigational error on my part. But hey, it was fine and fun.
The other thing that's been occupying my mind has been grad school or, on a greater scale, actually getting into Québec and Canada themselves. See, unfortunately, it's not as easy as getting accepted into a school. Not only do I need to get a student visa into Canada, which is to be expected, but also the same sort of thing for Québec, called a CAQ. That's the first step: get the CAQ and then, if you're accepted for that, you apply for the Canadian visa. And it's not automatic, either: I've heard/read of people getting their CAQ and then not a visa. Why? Not sure.
My main concern is financial since the Québécois and Canadian governments want people to be able to support themselves and, as such, want them to have a certain amount of money to prove that they're not going to move to Québec and/or Canada just to become homeless or to bum off of the government or some individual. Understandable, obviously, but we all know I'm not the richest person in the world. Everything I've done has been totally relying on government and other aid.
And that, kids, is where the title of the blog comes in. I'm sure most of you have realized it's a positively hilarious play on the name of the band, Panic! At The Disco. Ha, ha, ha. But yeah. I'm absolutely petrified that I'm going to get denied for either the CAQ or, worse, be accepted for that and then have my request for a Canadian visa denied. I've been assured by multiple people, including my "financial advisers" (aka Lauren's wonderful parents) that I'm going to be fine, that we've gone over the numbers and that everything will be okay, but I'm still terrified. What if I don't get enough loans? What if, for some reason, I'm just denied? What if, what if, what if? I know I've always said "this is the worst period of waiting I've ever had to face," whether it's waiting to hear back if I've been accepted to Truman, or for study abroad, or if I've gotten a job, or if I've been accepted to TAPIF or grad school, but now this really takes the cake.
I've dealt with anxiety my whole life, but it's been at an elevated level as of late, now with anxiety attacks nearly every single day. I'm not talking severe panic attacks with hyperventilation and the like, but it's enough to send me spiraling into misery and depression, worrying if everything's going to come crashing down around me soon. And the only reprieve is when I manage to distract myself. (And, of course, Obama hates me, so I can't get insurance yet and get meds for this sort of thing.) I go through periods where I am absolutely convinced that I will be rejected for either the CAQ or the visa, and then brief moments where I think, "Hey, this might work for me. We've done the numbers. It'll be okay!" And then that fades away. It's not like I have a backup plan anymore. If I get rejected for either the CAQ or the Canadian visa, it'll be too late to get a French visa and go to France for TAPIF. There's no Plan B anymore.
This isn't a cry for attention or anything like that. I guess I just need a place to vent and I didn't want to draw attention to it any more than a regular blog post. I don't know how many of my friends read this, or which ones, but odds are you know it's not like me to ask what I'm about to. If you're of the faithful variety (that sounds weird, don't it?), or the type who believes in good vibes, or good thoughts, I would very, very much appreciate your prayers, vibes, and thoughts. Whether they're actually for all this to work out or just to ease my anxiety, I would be very grateful. Sometimes, whether or not we believe in a higher power, God or otherwise, we need to ask for a little help. (And asking for this type of help is definitely not something I'm accustomed to.
Muchos merci, mes amis.
