Legal and regal.

It's been not quite a month since I last posted.  I was wondering how I'm supposed to continue since my last post, but I guess that's all I can do: continue.  Everything else has.  It's been almost a month since my uncle died, and it's amazing how much school has numbed me to everything.  But then I'll think about him and I'll wonder how on earth it's possible that he's gone.  Maybe it will be better once his memorial happens.  It will occur on September 15th, I believe, in Yuba City, California.  My mom, aunt, and sister are blessed enough to be able to fly out to California for the memorial, thanks to the generosity of my mom's cousin.  But since I have classes, I'll be unable to attend.  But, of course, I'll be there in spirit.

I moved back into the dorm with Lauren and Kat on the twenty-first of August, and classes started two days after that.  Let me tell you, it's been busy.  I already feel like a Grade-A idiot in two of my classes, but that's a whole other story.  I like my French classes, at least.  I like having two instead of one.  And it's cool that it's no longer a class specifically catered to teaching the language; now we're learning about actual subjects.  Pretty schnazzy.  Hopefully my friend Liz and I will found out our peer tutoring assignments some time this week.  I need to earn money.  When I get paid this month for August, I really want to buy a pair of roller blades.  I really miss blading.  My sister, Dawn, and our neighbor, Stefanie, taught me to roller blade when I was five, and I've loved it ever since.  I used to want to be a professional roller blader, actually.

Anyway.  Guess what else?  I'm twenty-one!  My birthday was on Wednesday of last week, and it was quite a good day.  Kat bought me a beautiful cake and they took me out to dinner at Colton's.  I got an Appletini, and it was delicious.  The servers also rang their obnoxious bell and gave me free ice cream.  Nice.  A week-and-a-half before my birthday, on Lauren's birthday, we went to St. Louis to celebrate her, my, and Kat's birthdays.  We went to the American Girl store, we saw The Lion King at the Fox Theatre, and just had an amazing weekend in St. Louis.  It was definitely a great way to end the summer.

Now Fall is approaching.  We spent this past weekend in St. Louis with Kat and her family to celebrate everyone's August birthday.  (Kat, Lauren, me, Kat's cousin, Kat's uncle, and Kat's father.)  Lauren and Kat are still in Hannibal, and I came back up to Truman early.  I have homework that must be done here tomorrow.  Blegh.  Oh well.

Why did I fall asleep earlier?  Now I'm not tired.  Boooo.

Side note: no one really said anything, but it was implied enough: yes, I drank alcohol on my birthday.  I neither endorse nor condemn alcohol or anyone, and I will never go around saying, "Look, I'm drunk!  WEEE!!"  I try to keep everything on my Facebook page family-friendly to respect others' beliefs.  I know I've slipped up every once and a while, but I do genuinely care about those on my page.  So as I respect you and your beliefs, please respect me and mine, and my decisions.  Thanks. :)

In loving memory.

I've tried multiple times to write a blog entry, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.  But now I'm forcing to, if only so I don't forget about this blog and let it wither and die like all my other blog/journal attempts have done.  It's hard, though, to sit down and write about something such as this, but it needs to be done.  It's not like I can come back to the blog in a month and act like nothing has change when in reality everything has changed.

Assuming all of my readers are friends with me on Facebook, everyone who is reading this knows that my uncle, Robert Rushing, passed away on August 7, 2012.  He suffered, not only from cancer, but the effects from a massive stroke that left him mostly paralyzed.  It is a comfort, however, to know that he was not in pain when he died nor was he in pain during the last days of his life.  I wish I could have gotten to know him better, I wish we had gotten along better when we lived with him when I was eleven.  We did grow closer as I got older, and he and I talked on the phone almost every time he called, and we got to know each other more.  Although I will always regret that I never got to hear him play his guitar.  It is very comforting to know that, when he died, he knew how much I loved him and cared about him.  It was hard to be so far away from, not only him, but from my mother, aunt, and sister while all of this was going on.  But I know he was surrounded by wonderful, lifelong friends who were like family to him.  But it's still hard to believe that he's not here.

My uncle, Robert Rushing.

A memorial should happen around October, and, from my mother's and my points of view, there won't really be any closure until then.  I keep expecting to wake up in another time in which none of this ever happened, but I only ever wake up in tomorrow.  I'm still in shock about it all, and I want nothing more than to be in Kentucky with my family.  

However, I can't.  Life has proven over the past few days that it goes on.  A couple of hours after my mom called me to tell me that my uncle, her brother, had died, I had to go to work.  Thoughts about what had happened would hit me like a slap in the face, and I would have to stare directly into the fan until the tears dried.  I felt nothing but aching in my chest all throughout that day, and I was relieved when it was over.  But when I woke up, I realized I had to do this living thing all over again.  And again the next day.  But today, three days after my uncle's death, it seems like I'm finally opening my eyes and still managing to see the sun hiding behind the clouds.  Life does indeed go on.  We're moving out of the apartment in a few days, we're going to St. Louis to celebrate our birthdays next week, and then we'll move back into the dorm and I'll start my sophomore year of college.

This summer has been very, very difficult and full of various challenges.  But life goes on.  And even though it hurts, I'll keep living it and making the most of it.

Happy Independence Day.

Very clever, witty title for my blog, no?  Yes, my dear friends, it is the fourth of July.  And for once I'm feeling slightly patriotic and excited about this holiday.  Don't ask why and don't ask why I've never cared before.  I kind of stopped caring about the fourth of July after my parents divorced and we stopped doing our traditional firework picnic in Kaysville, Utah.  The last really fun time I remember having for Independence Day was going to a Goldsox baseball game in Yuba City, California one year, as well as the year before last when I saw fireworks with my sister in Pikeville, and then last year when I spent the day in Hannibal with Lauren and Kat.  So, yeah, most recently I've had some good years, but nothing really holds a candle to the "old days" with my parents and sister.

But anyway!  That was much darker and doomier than I intended.  Sorry about that.  So yeah, it's Independence Day.  Lauren has to work later, so when she gets home (at 11 p.m.), we're going to set off our amazing display of fireworks that we bought.  It shall be oodles of fun.

Also, today has been fun because our friend from Truman, Sarah, who graduated in May, came to visit us.  We went out to lunch together and got to hang out, so that was lots and lots of bonding wondermousness.  Lauren and I also watched a long episode of Kate Plus 8, which is our - my - guilty pleasure, and it provoked some strong emotions and opinions since there was a lot of drama in the episode.  But that's not really important.

Let's see, what else is going on?  Oh, yeah!  (I really didn't forget.)  Kat came up and visited us!  It was so much fun because the three of us have missed each other so much.  It actually became an accidental tradition in which we would see each other every two weeks.  (Last time Lauren and I drove down to Hannibal.)  And because the three of us haven't taken a picture together since March, I forced them to take another one with me.  So there.  She came up on Sunday night after she got off work, and then spent Monday with us, not leaving until about ten o'clock at night.  We went swimming, got dinner, went to Hasting's . . . it was just oodles of fun.  We miss her.  We're really looking forward to move back into the dorm so the three of us can be together again.  Yup yup.

In other news, I've been rather homesick.  It's kind of sad.  My wonderful grandma sent me two copies of home movie tapes that we used to have but lost over the years, and I've been reminiscing over the past few days.  It's so surreal seeing things how they used to be.  Because I'm a baby in the videos I don't remember any of it, but I think I'll remember the other videos my grandma will send later, since they were filmed when I was older.  I guess we'll see.  But I'm really hoping I get to go back to Pikeville for Christmas again, and hopefully stay longer than a week.  One week out of the whole year really isn't enough.

"I'm sick of complaining about a beautiful life."

The title for this blog post comes from Seether's song, Tonight, which you can see on the left for my "Song of the Day."  I'm not saying that I go around complaining about life, saying it sucks, or what have you.  But, throughout my life, I have had some not so great things happen.  And now, as I've gone through the past year, I've realized that I do have a beautiful life.

I know I already made a post about a one year anniversary, but this one is different; the last one was about this blog being a year old, and this one is about me having been in Missouri for a year.  Lauren and her folks, David and Deb, surprised me with a sort of anniversary party at their house tonight.  There was a wonderfun balloon, my favorite dinner, and they even got me membership for the Titanic Historical Society!  It's so EXCITING!  I'm quite happy.  Words cannot express how grateful I am to my second family for everything they've done for me.  I only hope I can repay them one day.

Another thing slightly new: I have officially decided that I will go study abroad in Quebec next summer.  I must.  Truman has a program at the University of Laval in Quebec City, and I must go.  I really feel like it's time.  I can get financial aid, and maybe scholarships, and I really think I can do this.  It will be for five weeks, so basically the month of July.  It would seriously be the most amazing experience ever.  I really hope it happens.

Here's to what'll be another awesome year!

A Year in the Life

I just learned that this blog, as of a few days ago, is a year old.  Other than my personal journal, which is about two years old, I've never been able to be consistent with blogs, so this is quite the achievement for me.  I know I make a lot of posts where I look back at what has happened since a certain point, but bear with me.  A year ago today I was preparing to leave Kentucky, where I'd lived for three years, for Missouri so I could finally begin college.  This year has been so very far from easy, but I will never say that it hasn't been wonderful.  I have achieved so many things in the past year, and spending it all with my two best friends has been a dream.  I've gained a second family while here in Missouri, and I wouldn't trade anything for the world.

But, like I said, it's not been easy.  No one ever told me that college would be easy, but everyone has said it would be worth it.  So far, this advice has held true.  It's not just college that's been the challenge, though.  Being away from my family is very difficult.  It has been six months since I've seen them, and it will probably be another six months before I see them again, provided I get to fly home again for Christmas.  It is especially difficult now to be away from them knowing that my uncle, who lives all the way out in California, has cancer.  Things have been so incredibly difficult, and there are times when all I can do is just cry.  For a while I was in shock.  I seemed to be thinking, "Wait, this only happens in books; this isn't supposed to happen to me."  I wasn't used to feeling this kind of hurt and worry for someone.  I learned how quickly things could change in the course of a day.  How in the morning I would feel so much hope and by the evening my world would be rocked.  Again.  And I've been reexamining the things that can keep my world from spinning off its axis.

I spent a large part of my adolescence being very depressed.  I contemplated suicide around the time that I was thirteen, but I have never been more glad that I never did anything about it.  I love life.  It's not easy, and sometimes it's not fun, but I have been blessed in so many ways, and I thank God every day for the people I have in my life.  Seeing how positive and optimistic my uncle is about everything has made me realize how wrong I've been when I've said "life sucks" or something like that.  I love my uncle so very much, and I pray so hard that he'll get better.  But even through these struggles recently, I can't stop fighting or give in.  I've always been the type of person who sees the glass as half-empty.  It's very difficult for me to be positive when I see how bad things can be.  But I'm trying.  And that counts, right?

Ma maison c'est ta maison/Sweating Bullets

Well, young Ashlee has made yet another big step in her life: she moved into an apartment!  And she's also done speaking in third person.  It doesn't feel as big of a deal for me as it is for Lauren, who's never lived away from her parents.  I, of course, moved away from my family almost a year ago.  I spent the summer with Lauren's family, and that was definitely like having parents, even though we're not related.  Living in the dorm we only had one room, plus a bathroom.  So it just feels like we're living in the dorm but that we don't have meal plans and we have more rooms.  And we also have to pay rent and that fun stuff.

I start work in about a week-and-a-half and classes start at the community college on June 4.  I'll be taking psychology and math.  Lauren and I are also planning to - finally - get our licenses this coming Friday.  I took the test last summer, but mucked up on  the parallel parking.  I suppose if I'd done perfectly in all the other areas of the test I would have been O.K., but oh well.  I'm determined to get it this time around.  I have to have it, as it's impossible for me to get from my math class on Thursdays to work in five minutes, even on a bike.

So, what else is new?  Hmm . . . oh yes.  I SAW MEGADETH!  Dear God, it was amazing.  The entire trip was incredible.  The three of us - Kat, her mom, and I - pretty much fell in love with Indianapolis and can't wait to go back.

Lauren and I went down to Hannibal on the evening of the thirteenth and met up with Kat the next day at the salon while Lauren and I got our hair trimmed and got manicures - the first one of my life.  (I got a really dark purple color, as I figured pink wasn't really appropriate for a heavy metal show.)  Then we hung out at Java Jive for a little while.  When Lauren left, Kat and I went up to her house for the next.  Both of us slept horribly, let me just say.  We woke up pretty much every hour until we finally got up at nine o'clock and prepared to leave.  Her mom teased us every once and a while about possibly dropping the envelope containing our tickets into a mailbox at the Post Office.

Kat and I were actually quite calm in comparison to how we thought we'd be.  Every once and a while we'd squeal and bounce in our seats.  When we finally started seeing signs for Indianapolis, we got more and more excited.  By the time the skyscrapers appeared, we were pretty much bouncing in our seats.  We gout to our hotel around five o'clock in the afternoon.  It was right down the street from the mall, but we didn't really have time to explore then.  So we went across the street and ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe (my first time - they had John Lennon's jacket).  Then we went and sat in our hotel room until 6:30 when we finally decided it was late enough to go to the theatre.

Two seconds after we got out of the van, a couple guys said to us: "You two don't look like Megadeth fans."  It was both amusing and irksome.  Yes, we know.  The typical Megadeth fan is a guy.  And if the fan is female, then she's generally dressed much more scantily than we were, has black hair, piercings, tattoos, and the like.  We're just not like that.  She's also generally older than twenty.  Anyway.  The first thing we did when we got inside was buy some t-shirts.  Kat and I got matching ones with all the guys on the front and Dave in the back along with the tour cities.  I got Lauren a ladies' shirt with wings and a very low neckline.  It's hot.  Despite what one might believe, heavy metal fans are rather nice and fun to talk to, so we socialized quite a bit with others both in the lobby and in our seats until the show started.

Lacuna Coil was first.  I've loved them since I was twelve, ever since a friend introduced me to their song Heaven's a Lie.  Kat loves them, too, so we had a blast.  We probably cheered the loudest for them.  At one point I yelled, "I love you, Cristina!"  Because I do.  She rocks.  Because everyone in the audience sat during Lacuna Coil's performance, I assumed that everyone would just stay sitting for Megadeth.  There was a small amount of time in between sets.  Then the lights lowered and we all waited with bated breath.  There was a sheer curtain in front of the stage.  Music started and we could a see a larger than life shadow of the mighty Dave Mustaine as he played.  It was intense.  Then the curtain raised and there they were!  It was amazing.  I freaked out and kept grabbing Kat's arm and squealing excitedly.  Before they started, the guy next to us said, "If you guys swoon, you're on your own."  Definitely a valid warning.

Even though a lot of people chose to sit at points, Kat and I remained standing the whole time.  We're such troopers.  We rocked out, singing along and having a fantastical time.  When it was finally over, we were on cloud nine.  If we'd gone back to find their bus we probably would have met the band, or at least some of them, but we didn't think about it.  We collapsed at about 11pm in our hotel room, which is quite early for us.  When we woke up the next morning we decided to explore Indianapolis for a bit before heading back home.  We went to this gigantic monument on the Circle, and we stopped at a bakery for breakfast called Au Bon Pain, and we all got lots o' fruit.  Then we went over to the Chocolate Cafe and Connie, Kat's mom, bought us a few pieces of candy (malted milk balls!).  The guy getting us the candy recognized our shirts and asked about the show the previous night and asked if Megadeth played Symphony of Destruction, which of course, they did.  Then we walked back over to the mall.  I'd had no idea that H&M was so cheap, but I got a lovely top for only $13.  It makes me happy.

The trip back to Hannibal seemed to be a lot shorter than the trip to Indianapolis.  We read a lot and listened to music.  When we got back, we were still kind of dazed.  I still am.  It was an amazing trip and concert.  I still can't believe I saw them.  Life is good.

Year One: Complete.

Well, I did it.  I actually completed my first year of college.  And good golly gosh, it wasn't easy.  There were ups and downs, there were tears, there were lots of jokes and laughter, and there was some studying here and there.  But despite the difficulties, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world.  It's been almost year since I started this blog and moved to Kirksville.  I'm not sure if I feel like an entirely different person, but I do feel different after a year here.  I moved away from home, I started college, I got my first job . . . little Ashlee is growing up, I guess.

The past year has been filled with some amazing experiences.  I saw some awesome performances (InLike, Hana Pestle, Ludo, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Evanescence, and Sara Bareilles to name a few), I got to know some great people, I was part of the French play both semesters, I went to Florida and got very burned, and lots of other fun stuff.  Granted, not everything was oodles of excitement.  First semester scared the shit out of me, and if it weren't for two of the most amazing professors on the planet, Dr. Lobert and Dr. Burton, I might have dropped out.  Second semester was a little easier, but it was still filled with its own challenges, like public speaking.  Ew.

I don't know how to make this blog very sentimental.  Maybe I'll just say thanks to the many people who have been a part of my life for the past year.  Y'all rock.