27 in t-minus (what does that even mean?) 6 days

I may have hidden my year of birth on Facebook, but we all know the truth: I'm turning twenty-seven next week.  This doesn't make me particularly happy, as I'll finally be in my late twenties.  There's nothing wrong with that, but I don't want to be there.  Yet I will be.  I remember in the fifth grade, my teacher, Miss Jenson, told us that she was twenty-eight, and I had thought that was so old.  Well, now she'll be about forty-five, wherever she may be.  In The Parent Trap with Lindsay Lohan, the evil future-step-mom Meredith says she's twenty six.  Again, I had thought that was so old.  I am now older than that.  Ugh.

ANYWAY.  Regardless of all that, I'm actually excited for my birthday.  I didn't have a great one last year, due to falling and hurting myself at the waterfall where Jay proposed, almost getting pummeled by a semi-truck, and finding out my favorite store in the mall was gone forever.  But this year!  What am I doing this year, you may ask?  I'm working!

BUT AFTER THAT.

Two days after my birthday, on August 31, Jay and I will be driving down to Atlanta (again) for a comic con (again).  However, this time it will be the con I have always wanted to go to but thought I couldn't afford: Dragon Con.  I hadn't realized that one could buy single day passes for $50 instead of a pass for all five days for $150.  While Lauren and Kat were here in June, I had been rather upset, as one of my favorite actors, Craig Parker (who played Haldir in The Lord of the Rings) is scheduled to be there, and I knew I couldn't afford the $300 for Jay and me to go see him.

When I realized a while later, however, that one could buy single day passes, I was ecstatic.  So we got the passes, and I quickly learned some of my other favorite people are scheduled to be there: Victor Garber (Titanic, Legally Blonde, Roger's and Hammerstein's Cinderella, Annie), Tom Kenny (the voice of SpongeBob), and Tara Strong (Timmy Turner from Fairly OddParents, Dil Pickles from Rugrats, Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony).  I was disappointed that my favorite actor ever, Jason Isaacs (Lucius Malfoy in Harry Potter, Captain Hook in 2003's Peter Pan, Captain Lorca in Star Trek: Discovery, Colonel Tavington in The Patriot), wouldn't be there, as he was the previous year.  But still, I was excited!

Then.

I woke up one morning to a notification on Facebook that Jay had tagged me in a post.  It was Dragon Con announcing that Jason Isaacs was now scheduled to attend Dragon Con.

I cried.  Seriously.  I legit cried.

I have dreamt of meeting Jason Isaacs for years, and years, and years.  I have done my absolute best to see as much of his filmography as possible, including going to see Elektra in theatres just because he was in the first five minutes, even though I'd already seen those five minutes online when they released it as a teaser.

Words cannot express how excited I am.  I've been saving up as much money as I can, and when people ask what I want for my birthday, all I can say is money for Dragon Con (still ain't cheap, even though I just got a one-day pass).  I'll probably miss a lot of the festivities of the con by waiting in line for Jason-related stuff, and I'll likely not get to see everyone else on my list, but I don't care.  It's Jason.  My favorite actor ever.

I'm.

so.

stoked.

Continuing.

I've spent five months not knowing how to write another blog entry.  I've tried and failed multiple times, but nothing has felt right.  It's five months ago today that my brother died, which seems hard to believe, because that feels like both no time at all and an eternity.  But we keep going.  We're not moving on, but we're continuing, which is all we can really do.  And it's what Michael would want us to do.

Lots has happened in the past four months since my last entry.  We adopted two new guinea pigs, Marigold and Elvira, who come with their own set of maintenance since they're what breeders call "silkies," which means they have super long hair that needs to be brushed and trimmed regularly.  They're about the same age as Eleanor and Lucy (three), and they certainly have their own personalities.  They're definitely less timid than the other two, and aren't afraid to make their displeasure known if they want vegetables and you fail to provide them in a timely manner.  It was stressful for the first few days that we had them, not knowing if the four of them would be able to get along, but now it's as if they've always been together.  Thank God, because we don't have the space for two separate cages.

In early March, I went down to Georgia to celebrate my little sister Mary's eleventh (holy crap) birthday.  We had a super fun time at Sky Zone, an indoor trampoline park, and then at an actual outdoor park.  If there's one single positive thing that has come from losing Michael, it's the realization that I need to spend time with my family more, which has led to me promising to try to go down to Georgia for everyone's birthdays.  I was off to a good start, but I wasn't able to go down for Jackson's and Momma's birthdays since Jay got sick suddenly, but I already have plans to go back down again this summer.

Something super exciting happened in early April: Bruno Pelletier came to Columbus, Ohio for his second performance in the U.S.  (The first was back in 2009 in Los Angeles which I was, obviously, unable to attend.)  Naturally, I was super stoked since Columbus is only six hours from me, as opposed to the usual twenty by car.  In order to break up the trip, I drove up to Kentucky to spend a couple nights with my mom and sister and then drive the four hours to Columbus.  It meant a longer trip, but it didn't seem as bad with a couple nights of sleep in between.  It was the first time I had ever driven myself to one of Bruno's shows, as every other time I was either driven by someone else, or I took public transportation.  It was almost like coming full circle, spending some time with my mom, sister, and aunts before seeing Bruno the next day, hearkening back to 2008 and 2009 when I lived there before school and obsessed over Bruno's music 24/7, desperate to see him perform.  And then there I was, ten years later, getting ready to see him in the U.S., already having seen him perform a whopping ten times in concern, plus other interactions outside of his shows.  Pretty nifty, if I do say so myself.

A little while later, I bought a new car: a 2018 Honda CR-V.  Maybe it's a "mom car," but I don't care.  It's cute and its name is Marshmallow.  It's also the first new car I've ever had, as B.B., my Chevrolet Aveo5 was a 2009 and Lokia, my Kia Soul ! was a 2015.  Of course, it's already got over 3,000 miles on it because I've driven it down to Georgia once and I drive at least 190 miles a week, but that's beside the point.

Also in April, I finished the novel I've been working on for four years, The Edge of the Ocean.  It still needs a lot of editing, but the fact that I've written twenty chapters and almost 100,000 words over a period of four years is still pretty awesome.

On April 22, Michael would have turned 27.  Jay and I went down to Georgia for the day to spend time with my family.  We started out by getting lunch with Sarah, Jesse, and Sarah's husband, TJ, before Sarah and I went and got tattoos together in honor of Michael.  After that, we met up with our parents, and Jackson and Mary to paint ceramic things since Michael was an artist.

Kat and I have also made plans to go see Josh Groban and Idina Menzel in Nashville this October.  I am SO excited, as I've never seen Josh before, nor Idina.  Kat and Lauren saw Josh back in 2011, just before I moved out to Missouri, and now it's finally my turn!  EEEEE!!

In about a week-and-a-half, Lauren and Kat are going to come stay with me for a few days, a spur-of-the-moment decision due to Lauren having a bunch of extra vacation days that she'll lose if she doesn't use them before the end of June.  So, of course, I'm happy to help with that!

A friend of mine, Jordan, whom I met during my brief stay in Georgia when I was sixteen, is getting married at the end of June, and I'll be driving down to attend!  Around this time, my mom and sister will also be moving in with Jay and me while they hunt for apartments in the Shelbyville area.  Yay for free guinea pig-sitters!

The Atlanta Comic-Con is happening in July, and Jay and I will be attending as part of an early birthday present for me.  We shall be meeting Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom from the Harry Potter films), Sean Astin (Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings, and Jim Cummings (the voice of every character you can ever think of, such as Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, and Pete the cat).

In August, Emily and I are going to drive up to visit our family in Michigan for a few days.  Aaaand in early November, Lauren, Kat, and I are going to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter together!  SQUEE!  (Yes, I have wanderlust; I am unable to stay home for more than a few months at a time.)

That's about it for now.  I'm sure there will be more.  Keep noodling.

Michael.

The new year didn’t begin at all like how I thought it would. I had intended to write my traditional last post of the year “highlighting” everything that happened throughout 2017, just like I always do. Because even though time passes, and we get older, and things change, we never really expect things to really change. Maybe we’ll start college in another state, or we’ll get a new job, or we’ll move to a new country, or we’ll get married. I had an amazing year. I got a great new job and I married the man I love. But then things can change in the blink of an eye, leaving you stunned and wondering what it was like to feel happy in the first place.

On Friday, December 29, 2017, my older brother, Michael Hamill, died. He was 26, like me. Finding out that I lost my brother is a memory that is going to be burned into my mind for the rest of my life. I was at work. I picked up the phone and heard my father heave a long sigh. And time seemed to slow, because I just knew that by the end of that sigh, nothing would be the same again. But I never imagined that it would be because I had lost my brother. Two days later, my oldest sister, Dawn, and I were down in Georgia. The funeral wasn’t until the following Saturday, but we wanted to be there and do whatever we could, even though we knew there wasn’t much. Wednesday, January 3 was my husband’s twenty-fifth birthday. It was also the day I saw my brother’s body for the first time.

At work the next two days, I might have seemed fine to the casual observer. I smiled a bit, and laughed a little, but the second I was left alone, all I could think about was Michael. I could feel his presence all around me, and the loss of him was crushing, like there was a big weight on my chest that I couldn’t remove. On the fifth, exactly a week after he died, I could only get through half the day. A picture of him on Instagram sent me spiraling. Just a picture

The next day, my father’s birthday, was my brother’s funeral. It was held at the Mormon church my family attended. Theo and I drove down together, followed by Dawn, and met up with our grandparents, who had flown down from Michigan. I had never been to a funeral before. I had been to a couple memorials, both held at Mormon churches, but never one with a viewing, and certainly never one for a family member; I had been unable to attend either my great-grandmother’s funeral when I was little, nor my uncle’s memorial in 2012.

At the funeral, we celebrated my brother’s life. We remembered him and we loved him. It was easily one of the most difficult days of my life, sitting in the front pew, directly in front of his casket, with my other siblings, my parents, and my grandparents. I listened to my grandmother give his eulogy and my mother speak about Michael, her firstborn child. I signed my name on a board, along with everyone else. I plucked a rose from his casket. I touched his hand, told him I loved him, and said goodbye.

It’s been almost three weeks since he died and two weeks since the funeral, and the crushing weight his absence has left hasn’t dissipated in the slightest. I miss him. I keep forgetting he’s not here anymore. I’m surrounded by people who look at me with pity for a moment, but then quickly change the subject, as if they’re afraid I’ll burst into tears on their shoulder. People ask probing questions under the guise of concern, but what really just seems like morbid curiosity. I stress about the amount of work I’ve missed. Life is continuing for everyone else but him. We plan our futures, plan the addition of two new guinea pigs, but he’s always there in the back of my mind. Always. I’m laughing at some joke Theo said, but then I’m passing Michael’s picture hanging in the hallway, and I stop, my eyes drawn immediately to his face. And the pain returns, burning even more than before.

There are nine of us siblings. Dawn, David, Emily, Michael, Ashlee, Sarah, Jesse, Jackson, and Mary. Nine. There was never supposed to be a world in which one of us didn’t exist. Or, at least, not for a very, very long time. But now one of us is gone and the rest of us have to try to find a way to move on without him. There will always be nine, but it’ll never be the same again.

Michael, I love you. I know I didn’t tell you that enough. I know we didn’t talk enough. There aren’t any pictures of just us two. I love you, and I miss you, and I want so badly to wake up and find out that this has all been a nightmare. I’m trying to keep on living my life, but it’s hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know I’ll see you again, but it’s hard to know that it’ll be a long time before that happens. You were such an amazing, kind, loving person. I feel so lucky to count you as my brother.

Michael Paul Hamill. April 22, 1991 - December 29, 2017.