"I'm sick of complaining about a beautiful life."

The title for this blog post comes from Seether's song, Tonight, which you can see on the left for my "Song of the Day."  I'm not saying that I go around complaining about life, saying it sucks, or what have you.  But, throughout my life, I have had some not so great things happen.  And now, as I've gone through the past year, I've realized that I do have a beautiful life.

I know I already made a post about a one year anniversary, but this one is different; the last one was about this blog being a year old, and this one is about me having been in Missouri for a year.  Lauren and her folks, David and Deb, surprised me with a sort of anniversary party at their house tonight.  There was a wonderfun balloon, my favorite dinner, and they even got me membership for the Titanic Historical Society!  It's so EXCITING!  I'm quite happy.  Words cannot express how grateful I am to my second family for everything they've done for me.  I only hope I can repay them one day.

Another thing slightly new: I have officially decided that I will go study abroad in Quebec next summer.  I must.  Truman has a program at the University of Laval in Quebec City, and I must go.  I really feel like it's time.  I can get financial aid, and maybe scholarships, and I really think I can do this.  It will be for five weeks, so basically the month of July.  It would seriously be the most amazing experience ever.  I really hope it happens.

Here's to what'll be another awesome year!

A Year in the Life

I just learned that this blog, as of a few days ago, is a year old.  Other than my personal journal, which is about two years old, I've never been able to be consistent with blogs, so this is quite the achievement for me.  I know I make a lot of posts where I look back at what has happened since a certain point, but bear with me.  A year ago today I was preparing to leave Kentucky, where I'd lived for three years, for Missouri so I could finally begin college.  This year has been so very far from easy, but I will never say that it hasn't been wonderful.  I have achieved so many things in the past year, and spending it all with my two best friends has been a dream.  I've gained a second family while here in Missouri, and I wouldn't trade anything for the world.

But, like I said, it's not been easy.  No one ever told me that college would be easy, but everyone has said it would be worth it.  So far, this advice has held true.  It's not just college that's been the challenge, though.  Being away from my family is very difficult.  It has been six months since I've seen them, and it will probably be another six months before I see them again, provided I get to fly home again for Christmas.  It is especially difficult now to be away from them knowing that my uncle, who lives all the way out in California, has cancer.  Things have been so incredibly difficult, and there are times when all I can do is just cry.  For a while I was in shock.  I seemed to be thinking, "Wait, this only happens in books; this isn't supposed to happen to me."  I wasn't used to feeling this kind of hurt and worry for someone.  I learned how quickly things could change in the course of a day.  How in the morning I would feel so much hope and by the evening my world would be rocked.  Again.  And I've been reexamining the things that can keep my world from spinning off its axis.

I spent a large part of my adolescence being very depressed.  I contemplated suicide around the time that I was thirteen, but I have never been more glad that I never did anything about it.  I love life.  It's not easy, and sometimes it's not fun, but I have been blessed in so many ways, and I thank God every day for the people I have in my life.  Seeing how positive and optimistic my uncle is about everything has made me realize how wrong I've been when I've said "life sucks" or something like that.  I love my uncle so very much, and I pray so hard that he'll get better.  But even through these struggles recently, I can't stop fighting or give in.  I've always been the type of person who sees the glass as half-empty.  It's very difficult for me to be positive when I see how bad things can be.  But I'm trying.  And that counts, right?

Ma maison c'est ta maison/Sweating Bullets

Well, young Ashlee has made yet another big step in her life: she moved into an apartment!  And she's also done speaking in third person.  It doesn't feel as big of a deal for me as it is for Lauren, who's never lived away from her parents.  I, of course, moved away from my family almost a year ago.  I spent the summer with Lauren's family, and that was definitely like having parents, even though we're not related.  Living in the dorm we only had one room, plus a bathroom.  So it just feels like we're living in the dorm but that we don't have meal plans and we have more rooms.  And we also have to pay rent and that fun stuff.

I start work in about a week-and-a-half and classes start at the community college on June 4.  I'll be taking psychology and math.  Lauren and I are also planning to - finally - get our licenses this coming Friday.  I took the test last summer, but mucked up on  the parallel parking.  I suppose if I'd done perfectly in all the other areas of the test I would have been O.K., but oh well.  I'm determined to get it this time around.  I have to have it, as it's impossible for me to get from my math class on Thursdays to work in five minutes, even on a bike.

So, what else is new?  Hmm . . . oh yes.  I SAW MEGADETH!  Dear God, it was amazing.  The entire trip was incredible.  The three of us - Kat, her mom, and I - pretty much fell in love with Indianapolis and can't wait to go back.

Lauren and I went down to Hannibal on the evening of the thirteenth and met up with Kat the next day at the salon while Lauren and I got our hair trimmed and got manicures - the first one of my life.  (I got a really dark purple color, as I figured pink wasn't really appropriate for a heavy metal show.)  Then we hung out at Java Jive for a little while.  When Lauren left, Kat and I went up to her house for the next.  Both of us slept horribly, let me just say.  We woke up pretty much every hour until we finally got up at nine o'clock and prepared to leave.  Her mom teased us every once and a while about possibly dropping the envelope containing our tickets into a mailbox at the Post Office.

Kat and I were actually quite calm in comparison to how we thought we'd be.  Every once and a while we'd squeal and bounce in our seats.  When we finally started seeing signs for Indianapolis, we got more and more excited.  By the time the skyscrapers appeared, we were pretty much bouncing in our seats.  We gout to our hotel around five o'clock in the afternoon.  It was right down the street from the mall, but we didn't really have time to explore then.  So we went across the street and ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe (my first time - they had John Lennon's jacket).  Then we went and sat in our hotel room until 6:30 when we finally decided it was late enough to go to the theatre.

Two seconds after we got out of the van, a couple guys said to us: "You two don't look like Megadeth fans."  It was both amusing and irksome.  Yes, we know.  The typical Megadeth fan is a guy.  And if the fan is female, then she's generally dressed much more scantily than we were, has black hair, piercings, tattoos, and the like.  We're just not like that.  She's also generally older than twenty.  Anyway.  The first thing we did when we got inside was buy some t-shirts.  Kat and I got matching ones with all the guys on the front and Dave in the back along with the tour cities.  I got Lauren a ladies' shirt with wings and a very low neckline.  It's hot.  Despite what one might believe, heavy metal fans are rather nice and fun to talk to, so we socialized quite a bit with others both in the lobby and in our seats until the show started.

Lacuna Coil was first.  I've loved them since I was twelve, ever since a friend introduced me to their song Heaven's a Lie.  Kat loves them, too, so we had a blast.  We probably cheered the loudest for them.  At one point I yelled, "I love you, Cristina!"  Because I do.  She rocks.  Because everyone in the audience sat during Lacuna Coil's performance, I assumed that everyone would just stay sitting for Megadeth.  There was a small amount of time in between sets.  Then the lights lowered and we all waited with bated breath.  There was a sheer curtain in front of the stage.  Music started and we could a see a larger than life shadow of the mighty Dave Mustaine as he played.  It was intense.  Then the curtain raised and there they were!  It was amazing.  I freaked out and kept grabbing Kat's arm and squealing excitedly.  Before they started, the guy next to us said, "If you guys swoon, you're on your own."  Definitely a valid warning.

Even though a lot of people chose to sit at points, Kat and I remained standing the whole time.  We're such troopers.  We rocked out, singing along and having a fantastical time.  When it was finally over, we were on cloud nine.  If we'd gone back to find their bus we probably would have met the band, or at least some of them, but we didn't think about it.  We collapsed at about 11pm in our hotel room, which is quite early for us.  When we woke up the next morning we decided to explore Indianapolis for a bit before heading back home.  We went to this gigantic monument on the Circle, and we stopped at a bakery for breakfast called Au Bon Pain, and we all got lots o' fruit.  Then we went over to the Chocolate Cafe and Connie, Kat's mom, bought us a few pieces of candy (malted milk balls!).  The guy getting us the candy recognized our shirts and asked about the show the previous night and asked if Megadeth played Symphony of Destruction, which of course, they did.  Then we walked back over to the mall.  I'd had no idea that H&M was so cheap, but I got a lovely top for only $13.  It makes me happy.

The trip back to Hannibal seemed to be a lot shorter than the trip to Indianapolis.  We read a lot and listened to music.  When we got back, we were still kind of dazed.  I still am.  It was an amazing trip and concert.  I still can't believe I saw them.  Life is good.

Year One: Complete.

Well, I did it.  I actually completed my first year of college.  And good golly gosh, it wasn't easy.  There were ups and downs, there were tears, there were lots of jokes and laughter, and there was some studying here and there.  But despite the difficulties, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world.  It's been almost year since I started this blog and moved to Kirksville.  I'm not sure if I feel like an entirely different person, but I do feel different after a year here.  I moved away from home, I started college, I got my first job . . . little Ashlee is growing up, I guess.

The past year has been filled with some amazing experiences.  I saw some awesome performances (InLike, Hana Pestle, Ludo, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Evanescence, and Sara Bareilles to name a few), I got to know some great people, I was part of the French play both semesters, I went to Florida and got very burned, and lots of other fun stuff.  Granted, not everything was oodles of excitement.  First semester scared the shit out of me, and if it weren't for two of the most amazing professors on the planet, Dr. Lobert and Dr. Burton, I might have dropped out.  Second semester was a little easier, but it was still filled with its own challenges, like public speaking.  Ew.

I don't know how to make this blog very sentimental.  Maybe I'll just say thanks to the many people who have been a part of my life for the past year.  Y'all rock.

Evanescence

So.  Last night was officially the best night of my life so far.  Why?  Because I saw my favorite band of all time, Evanescence, in concert for the first time.  I've loved Evanescence since I was twelve, and their music has gotten me through so much in my life.  The fact that I was finally able to see them means the world to me.  The plan to go see them came about at 2:30 in the morning about three weeks ago.

After my last class of the day, my lovely friend Alicia met me at the back of my dorm, and we drove the three-and-a-half hours to St. Louis, where we picked up her friend Leslie.  We arrived at the Pageant, and I held our place in line while they went to go get food.  I also chatted with another girl in line, who called the huge, endless line the "March of the Goths," which is very accurate.  The variety of clothes everyone wore was awesome.  Everything from Metallica shirts to Pantera shirts to Evanescence shirts (duh) to goth corset dresses.  It was awesome.  When we finally got in, we made our way to "the pit of doom" as Kat and I call it.

I immediately found myself positioned behind a very tall chap.  Asking him to move would have been fruitless.  As he stepped in front of a rather short girl, his friends told him that she could no longer see, and he just grinned.  Ass.  The show started at eight, and Killer Me Killer You came on first.  They're pretty good, I admit, but I was just antsy to see Evanescence.  There was a long wait for them to take down their stuff and then for the next opening act to set their stuff up.  They were Weaving the Fate, and I found them to be a bit obnoxious.  Then we waited some more.  All the while, I kept finding Tall Chap inching more and more in front of me.

As we got closer and closer to the start of Evanescence's set (it was 10pm by now), those of us on the right side of the pit spotted a figure on the far side of the stage with dark hair and bare shoulders.  Clearly Amy.  We  had sets of chanting her name about five times.  Then, suddenly, the lights went out and What You Want started.  Cue mass hysteria, including from yours truly.  All of a sudden Amy Lee was just there in all her goddess-like glory.  It was magical.  By the time she got to My Heart Is Broken, Tall Chap was directly in front of me.  She was sitting at the piano, but I could barely see her.  And since that is one of my favorite songs, I was not happy.  THEN, three short blond chicks starting inching their way through the crowd saying, "Sorry, sorry!"  At first I thought they were going to the other end, but no.  They stopped right in front of me.  Words cannot express the pissedness that I felt.  The chick who had been standing next to me, and with whom I'd been speaking throughout the show, was even more pissed then I was, and actually started yelling at them in the middle of the song, but the girls wouldn't budge.  Eventually, Fighting Chick moved to a better location.  Thank God the girls were short.  I accidentally elbowed one of the girls in the head and felt bad for half a second until she said it was fine after I asked if she was okay.  But still.  Thank God they're short.  I felt really bad for the girl behind Leslie and me.  She is short, too, so I did my best to lean over to one side so she could see.  Aren't I nice?

Though the show lasted an hour, it felt like twenty minutes.  It went by so quickly.  It's definitely a night I won't ever forget, despite some bumps in the road here and there.  I finally saw my favorite band!  Amy Lee was right in front of me!  Life is good.  We left Alicia's house at 7am the next morning and made it back to Kirksville around 10:30 with plenty of time for me to get to work.

I can totally handle finals.

Almost there.

I've reached the final leg of my freshman year of college.  Before anyone comes at me with those "How do you feel?" questions, I'll answer you now: fine.  I feel fine.  I don't feel one year older or wiser, I don't feel like some brand new person.  Life is just continuing to go on, you know?  Right now all I'm focusing on is the [expletive]word I need to get done before May 4, which is the last day of Finals.

Let's see . . . I have one more speech, I have some stupid, gigantic test in French that is pointless because it doesn't count for my grade, I need to study for Linguistics and review whatever I've forgotten for the exam, plus some weird French project that none of us really knows how to do because the professor didn't explain it well enough.  Not to mention one more show for the French play (the first one was last night), the University Chorus concert, and some other stuff.  Personally, I'd just like to survive, but perhaps that's asking for too much.

I registered for classes on Monday of this week.  Boy, was that an experience.  Shall I explain it?  Okay.  I slept very badly the night before.  Registering starts at 7am, but for some reason I woke up and didn't look at my phone for the time as I got up.  When I got to my desk, I realized it was only 5:30.  So I attempted to go back to sleep.  I dozed and got back up, and then, when registering was supposed to begin, Truman's site was down.  For everyone.  The last small group of people who still needed to register was gathered together on Truman's Facebook group complaining.  Finally, at 7:45, it opened up.  I flew like a screaming banshee (in theory, of course) to register, only to find out that the Applying Literary Theory class I needed was full.  Crap.  But wait!  Then I went to go check that I had gotten the right one, and somehow I didn't.  So I signed up for the right one and thought I was good, right?  Wrong.  Then I learned that the Linguistics didn't count for my English major (I've a concentration in Linguistics), so I had to drop that and find someone else.  I picked up Intro to Philosophy as a last resort, but not only does the professor have terrible reviews, but it was at 8:30 in the morning.  So I signed up for French Civilization I, but that would put me in three French classes, which is insane and would make my head explode.  Around 1:30 that afternoon, I talked with Kat awhile and learned that her Exploring Religions class was open.  So, believe it or not, I signed up for a religion class.  Shocking, right?

But let me explain the reason for this class.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not big on studying religions, particularly Christianity.  It's not that I dislike Christianity, especially when I (try to) identify myself as a Christian, I just don't like what's associated with it.  The fighting, mainly.  The awkward feelings.  But this class, which Lauren took last semester, barely even touches western religions - it focuses mainly on eastern ones, so I'm good.  The professor is difficult, but with Lauren and Kat to help me, I think I'll be okay.

So, I got my classes set up.  I'll be taking French Literature I, Contemporary French, Applying Literary Theory, Survey of Russian Literature I, and Exploring Religions.  In essence: it's a lot of writing and reading. But I'll survive.  At least it's not a lot of math.

The first night of the French play was last night.  I know I haven't moaned and groaned about this one as much as I did last semester, but that's because I don't have nearly as many lines.  Last semester I had about four huge monologues.  It was painful.  This time I didn't even really need to make an effort to memorize my lines - I just realized that I had them down.  I quite like the cast this semester, even though some monumental people are missing.  I wish we could have just kept the cast from last semester and added more people for this one, but that's just too much to ask, I guess.  I don't know if I'll do the play next Fall - Lauren and Alicia want me to, but we'll see.  It tends to suck my life away, as rehearsals are always Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7, and that's generally when anything interesting happens on campus.  I've contemplated auditioning for the co-ed A Capella group, Sweet Nothings.  I dunno yet.

I think that's it.  I'm excited for next week, despite my speech.  WEE!

Trois ans.

I apologize to those of you who don’t read French or who don’t feel like translating (roughly) what I write in English on Google Translate, but there’ll be English at the bottom.  No worries.

Bon ben.  Comme j’ai dit sur Facebook, j’étudie le français depuis trois ans aujourd’hui.  Peut-être.  Je ne sais que j’ai commencé étudier la langue dans le mois d’avril.  Alors, parce que je ne sais pas la date exact, je « fête » ce jour le 1 avril.

(Et je suis désolée en avance si mon français est terrible.)

La raison pour laquelle j’étudie le français est une histoire longue.  Mais je n’ai jamais la raconté en français, alors ça sera difficile.  Souhaitez-moi le merde.  (Heh, heh, heh.)

La première chose qu’on doit savoir, c’est que j’ai quitté mon école quand j’avais dix-sept ans en 2008.  Pourquoi ?  Il y a quelques raisons, mais je ne suis pas stupide.  Je ne quittais pas l’école parce que je déteste le travail et les devoirs (même si c’était vrai).  La raison était principalement parce que ma famille déménageait de l’autre côté de la ville.  La nouvelle école serait terrible pour moi parce que, si j’y étais, je n’obtiendrais mon diplôme pour un an à cause de mes mauvaises notes.  (Mais malgré ces mauvaises notes, vous devez vous souvenir que je ne suis pas trop stupide, d’accord ?)

Donc, je n’avais pas d’école.  Je voulais toujours d’aller à l’université mais à cette époque, je croyais que c’était impossible.  Avant que j’aie quitté mon école, j’ai découvert le film de Disney, Le bossu de Notre-Dame (en anglais, bien sûr). Grâce au film, j’ai rencontré quelques personnes qui sont devenues mes proches amies sur le site-web deviantART.  Nous aimions le personnage Clopin Trouillefou, qui est le roi des gitans.  C’est grâce à Lauren que j’ai commencé de dessiner ce personnage, même si c’était de courte durée.

Mais, bien sûr, Lauren n’aimait pas seulement ce film.  Grâce à elle, j’ai découvert la comédie musicale Notre-Dame de Paris parce que j’intéressais encore dans l’œuvre de Victor Hugo.  Mon chanteur préféré dans la musicale dès le premier instant était Bruno Pelletier, qui a joué Pierre Gringoire et qui a chanté sa belle chanson Le temps des cathédrales.

C’est grâce à Lauren et à cette musicale que j’étudie le français.  Je suis tombé amoureuse de la musique de Bruno, et je voulais comprendre les paroles dans ses chansons.  Mais, parce que je n’étais pas dans l’école, j’ai dû étudier seule.  J’ai utilisé l’Internet pour apprendre le vocabulaire, la grammaire, et aussi j’ai écouté et j’ai regardé des entrevues, des films, et d’autres choses comme ça pour aider mon accent.  Ça s’est passé en avril de 2008.

En octobre de 2008, je suis venue au Québec avec mes deux amies, Sarah et Gloria, pour voir Bruno dans son spectacle.  Je l’ai rencontré en personne après le concert et je lui ai donné un dessin à Lauren et une photo à Kathy pour signer.  Après j’ai envoyé les autographes au Missouri pour elles, nous sommes devenues plus proches qu’avant.  (C’est pas parce que je leur ai donné les autographes, elles m’assurent.)

Beaucoup de choses se sont passés.  J’étudie le français dans l’université grâce à ces choses.  Les jours où je m’ai enseigné me manquent parce que je crois qu’ils étaient plus facile pour moi.  Il est difficile de travailler avec des autres personnes que je ne connais pas et de travailler plus lentement ou plus vite que je travaillerais si j’étais seule.  Mais je suis heureuse.  Dans ma classe d’écriture, j’écrirai un essai sur ces « aventures. »  Le français est une raison pour laquelle je suis ici à l’école.  (Ils m’ont donné une bourse d’études parce que j’ai écrit dans mon essai pour admission que je m’ai enseigné le français.)  C’est vrai toujours après trois ans : j’adore le français.

See, English as I promised.  All you missed was that I like French.  That is all.